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Golf Humour
I want to buy a golf ballA blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains. The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls. As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?" "Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!" Religious battle golfThe Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus. "Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!" "No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods." Ten years on a deserted islandA man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!" An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfingA pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime. The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night? The laws of golfLAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three). LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset. Top Ten New Additions to the Rules of Golf
HoneymoonA guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts." He immediately drops his pants and replies.. "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!" Golf Course Or...Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place: 1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." 2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool." 3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had todo to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?" 4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?' And she said, "Wear your sweater". Hole In OneAs a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not. "Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?" DeafnessTwo strangers get drawn together in a knock out tournament and after the usual pleasentries one admits to being stone deaf and has to wear a hearing aid but when he plays golf likes to discard it and therefore cannot hear a thing. The other guy understands completely and accepts that conversation will be a little difficult. At the first hole the deaf guys tee's off first but places the ball some way forward of the tee markers. "You are in front of the markers" says his playing partner. With that the deaf guy appears to take no notice and hits an arrow straight drive, hits his next shot on to the green, makes a par and goes one up! On the next tee the deaf guy tee's his ball up again well in front of the markers. "Excuse me, you are in front of the markers" shouts his playing partners with a little more volume. Not visibly affected the deaf guy plays his shot to a par three that lands 4 feet from the pin and makes the putt for a birdie. On the next tee the deaf guy tees his ball up again well in front of the marker but his playing partner can take no more. He moves quickly in front of the tee, faces him and screams, "You are a foot in front!". Completely unfazed the deaf guy says, "You can call me what you like, I'm still TWO UP!" |
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